And then,
and then,
and then!


Word to Your Mother
May 14, 2006



Welcome to the Bone Pile, the column with the cheesiest lines on the
Internet.  Today is Mother's Day, hence the title.  It was not a shout out to
Vanilla Ice and his VIP.  Today, I'll take a quick look at some of our more
famous mothers from this year.  

Britney Spears is already a candidate for suckbutt mom of the year.  But
let's face it, this kid doesn't even have a chance with a mom like her and
K-Fed (I cringe) for a dad.  I really hope her nanny has half a brain so the









you want on so many levels, but this is polluting the average IQ level of
humankind as a whole.

Welcome to motherhood to
Katie Holmes.  Oh, excuse me, it's Kate now.  
Tom says Kate is much more grown up so she should go by that now.  This
coming from a guy who believes an alien trapped






a bit "out there" for me.  But Scientology takes the cake BY FAR.  This isn't
my first knock on it, I'm sure it won't be the last.  But anyway, here's to Kate.
 You are in for a wild ride.












Angelina Jolie keeps on adopting kids from other countries and is
pregnant with Brad Pitt's kid.  This has disfunctional all over it.  This is a
woman who carried around a vile of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her
neck and made out in public with her own brother.  









































There's more, I know, but that's all I could remember.  Now for the happy,
weepy part of the column.  Thanks to my mom.  I don't let her read the
column because I'm sure she'd think I'm even more of a crazy, opinionated
idiot.  But I just wanted to put a shoutout on the page.  Also, thanks to
Kitty's mom.  I wouldn't have such an awesome person in my life if it weren't
for you and I will always be grateful.  

OK, done with the sappy stuff.  In face, I'm done overall.  Let's get outta
here.  Word to ya mutha!

T-BONE!

PS, if you've got feedback or have a topic you'd like me to comment on,
shoot me an email at
vwbeetleman@yahoo.com
The Bone Pile
kid does not end up with an IQ equivalent to that of a
chimp with Down's Syndrome.  That is assuming that
Britney does not kill her boy in a driving accident,
since she has no issue with driving around without a
car seat and letting the baby sit in the front seat.  If my
memory serves me correct, the child was actually
sitting between her and the steering wheel.  Brilliant!  
Oh, and I hear that she just announced that another
baby is on the way.  You can talk about pollution all
good spirits inside of volcanoes, or something
like that.  So the kid's name is Suri.  Bad break
kid.  You've got a nutjob for a dad and a mom
who dropped her religion of 20+ years for a
belief that's even nuttier than Jehova's Witness.  
I'm not knocking the Jehova's Witness's...it's just
Becoming a mother on the same day was
Brooke Shields.  Appropriately, it was just
down the hall from Kate Holmes.  I say
appropriately because Tom Cruise pretty much
bashed her about a year ago because she took
some antidepressants and that's a no-no for
Tom.  Brooke had a kid, good for her.  It's a
daughter, so maybe we'll see her in 13 years in
a remake of Blue Lagoon.  I'm wrong for that, I
know.
These kids will look back at old video archives and
be driving to the asylum in shame.  And what's
wrong with American orphans?  Are they not good
enough anymore?  I'm not pointing out anything
new, I hardly ever do.  But seriously, let Africa and
Russia and wherever the hell else on the planet deal
with their own problems.  We've got enough kids
here in America who need love...and plenty of kids
across the border making their way.  Cheap shot,
but obligitory by today's current events.
Heidi Klum had Seal's baby.  There was no way
to tell how this one was gonna come out.  Klum
is gorgeous and Seal may be the ugliest guy on
the planet.  He can sing and I'm sure he's a
great guy.  But when it comes to handing out
great looks, God passed him over that day.  But
I hear that the baby is beautiful.  I hope it turns
out just fine because it does have very nice
parents who seem to be good people.
Jennifer Garner had Ben Affleck's daughter, Violet.
 Originally we thought this would be the spawn of
Satan, but then we heard about Tom Cruise and
Katie, so the attention from it died down.  So Bennifer
part 2 has lost its steam.  That's a good thing for the
rest of the world.
Gwen Stefani is due to have Gavin Rossdale's
baby any day.  I've seen pictures and you still can't
even tell she's pregnant.  That woman is in shape.  
They've been married a long time now and both of
their career's are still fairly strong.  Yeah, Bush is no
longer, but he was pretty good in Constantine.  And
her solo career has been really strong even though I
hate hearing B-A-N-A-N-A-S.  I hope they embrace
their child and still keep their careers booming.
Mother's Day is a holiday honoring
mothers, celebrated (on various days)
in many places around the world.
Mothers often receive gifts on this day.

Mother's Day is a weird time of year for
mail in many countries. In 1973, the U.
S. Postal Service was held up for eight
days because of the amount of mail.
Telephone networks are also at their
busiest on Mother's Day. Mother's Day
is the number one holiday for flowers
purchased throughout the year.

Different countries celebrate Mother's
Day on various days of the year
because the day has a number of
different origins. One school of thought
claims this day emerged from a
custom of mother worship in ancient
Greece. Mother worship — which kept
a festival to Cybele, a great mother of
gods, and Rhea, the wife of Cronus —
was held around the Vernal Equinox
around Asia Minor and eventually in
Rome itself from the Ides of March
(March 15) to March 18.

Julia Ward Howe wrote the Mother's
Day Proclamation in 1870, as a call
for peace and disarmament. An
excerpt follows:

From the voice of a devastated Earth
a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the
balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe our dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the
plough and the anvil at the summons
of war,
Let women now leave all that may be
left of home
For a great and earnest day of
counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to
bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with
each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can
live in peace...

Howe failed in her attempt to get
formal recognition of a Mother's Day
for Peace. Her idea was influenced by
Anna Jarvis, a young Appalachian
homemaker who, starting in 1858, had
attempted to improve sanitation
through what she called Mothers' Work
Days. She organized women
throughout the Civil War to work for
better sanitary conditions for both
sides, and in 1868 she began work to
reconcile Union and Confederate
neighbors.

Jarvis' daughter, also named Anna
Jarvis, would, of course, have known of
her mother's work, and the work of
Howe. Much later, when her mother
died, this second Anna Jarvis started
her own crusade to found a memorial
day for women. The first such Mother's
Day was celebrated in Grafton, West
Virginia, on May 10, 1908, in the
church where the elder Anna Jarvis
had taught Sunday School. Grafton is
the home to the International Mother's
Day Shrine. From there, the custom
caught on — spreading eventually to
45 states. The holiday was declared
officially by somes states beginning in
1912. In 1914 President Woodrow
Wilson declared the first national
Mother's Day. Nine years after the first
official Mother's Day holiday,
commercialization of the U.S. holiday
became so rampant that Anna Jarvis
herself became a major opponent of
what the holiday had become.
Mother's Day continues to this day to
be one of the most commercially
successful U.S. holidays.

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