Things That Make You Go, "#%$@*!"

May 31, 2006

Well, it's been a longer time than normal, T-Boners. With the Memorial Day
weekend break approaching last week, I just ran out of time with all of the
work I had to take care of before leaving and also preparing for my
now-traditional trip to float the Guadaloupe River. But I'm back and I've run
across a few things that I'd like to comment about. A fair warning, this
column may be a bit more crass than normal, unless my editor decides to
scrap some of it.

First off, I'm not a big fan of rap or hip hop. To be honest, I'm not even
sure what the difference is, if there even is one. I think somewhere in the
late 90's, somebody like Puff Daddy, P Diddy, Diddy, or whatever the hell
you want to call him, decided "rap" was not a cool term anymore, so he
coined it hip hop. It might not have been him, but it seems like something
he'd do. But as much as I'm not a fan, I can appreciate some aspects of it.
But lately, I have experienced a new low within the genre. I know it's not a
new trend, but when did slowing the music down to make a song sound like
it is playing like a tape player running low on batteries make a song sound
good? I was sitting at my campsite this weekend and I realized that the
shitty music I heard coming from behind me was actually Sir Mix-A-Lot's
"Baby Got Back" playing at half speed. I've heard other songs played like
this and I heard someone refer to it as "screw music". Who would screw to
that? It sounds like shit and I see ZERO talent in putting any type of music
like that out. I'd rather you speed it up to twice the speed and make it
sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks got a little edgier since the 80's.

Another thing that is starting to bother me is the number of actors who use
their influence to get involved in other aspirations. Kitty told me she saw
Jared Leto on one of the late night shows with his band. If you are
unfamiliar with Leto, he made his name on "My So-Called Life" and a few
other parts and he typically plays a pretty boy. Well, when he appeared
with his band, he'd dyed his hair black, painted his fingernails black, wore
raggedy clothes, and growled the majority of the lyrics. Identity crisis or can
he just not sing and he's trying to hide it? I have no idea, but he needs to
stick to acting. Russell Crowe also has a band and I've heard it. It may be
the worst band since Dave Matthews. Actually, I'll give Dave's band credit
as musicians. Dave just sucks himself. But Crowe has no business putting
music out. If he wants to stay in his garage and jam with his buddies, so be
it. The problem is that he's such a dick in real life that most people of
importance are too afraid to tell him his band sucks. Keanu Reeves had a
band at one time, too. But then again, maybe he had heard the critics
saying how much he sucked and that he'd never make it past his roles in
Bill and Ted or Parenthood and started making other plans. Yay for us
that The Matrix didn't challenge him too much and he could cash in on that
for a while.

It would seem that the big topic in the news these days is illegal immigrants
coming into the USA and demanding the same rights we hold dear. I think I
get about 5 or more emails a day stating facts on how most of these guys
are criminals, refuse to speak English, burn the US flag and fly the Mexican
flag, or whatever. Yes, I think it is wrong. My grandmother came to the
USA from Yugoslavia as World War II was breaking out in Europe. She was
brought over legally and her father, my great grandfather, refused to let her
or her sisters speak anything but English. I can say with complete honesty
that my grandmother never spoke a word of Yugoslavian in my presence
unless she was trying to help a foreign exchange student from Croatia or
Bosnia understand something that they were having trouble with. Okay, I
heard the occasional Yugoslavian cuss word slip, but that's natural
considering that two of my cousins lived with her for a few years. I can't say
I blame her a bit. Other than her family, my grandmother was most proud to
be an American. She had a US flag flying in her yard at all times and she
voted in every election, no matter if it was the Presidential or city council
election. She understood what a privilege it is to be an American and felt
she had a duty to take every advantage of the rights she'd been given.
Our Statue of Liberty has "Give us your tired, your poor" engraved at its
base. I do believe that is what America is about, but do it the right way and
let those tired/poor who want to come to the USA embody what it means to
be an American and do what is right for our nation, not the nation they are
seeking refuge from.

Another huge topic these days is Barry Bonds. I've got Bonds Burnout. His
chase to tie and break Babe Ruth's home run mark holds little significance
for at least two reasons. The first reason is because Ruth is not even the
record holder... Hank Aaron is. It will take Bonds at least another season to
catch Aaron. Secondly, everyone except for the city of San Francisco
thinks he's a cheater due to the allegations against him for steroid usage.
At first, I wanted to believe that he is innocent, but his brashness towards
the media and the fans in general have made me just think he's a dick. So I
don't care if he did 'roids or not, I'm rooting against him. Besides, the most
exciting player in the game today has a chance of smashing his single
season record of 73 homers. Oh, that player is Albert Pujols. And by the
way, I find it as sweet justice that Bonds 715th homerun to break Babe
Ruth's home run mark happened the way it did. On the broadcast, as soon
as he hit the ball, the microphone in the broadcast booth went dead. There
will be no historical audio to capture that moment. And after all the live
Bonds at bat moments, fans still did not care about it when it happened.
When you shit on the fans, they throw it right back at you. Break a leg,
Barry. Really.

be one of the worst movies I have ever seen, except for Cabin Fever.
One of my friends says that Dallas can't suck with John Travolta playing JR
Ewing. I disagree with that statement. JR isn't a bad guy, but he's not a
good guy either. Travolta has failed miserably in roles that he has not
played the good guy in. You can argue that he wasn't a good guy in Pulp
Fiction, but he was definitely a character you followed and rooted for.
Battlefield Earth was the biggest flop ever. He was unconvincing in
Broken Arrow and Face/Off. I just don't see him playing that role. Larry
Hagman is THE JR. I'm not sure he is replaceable. If I had to cast him, I
might use someone like Gene Hackman, because he does have the
good/bad versatility. I may be wrong and Dallas could turn out to be the
best remake ever. So I carry low expectations and hope to be presently
surprised.

I cannot wait for Snakes on a Plane. If you

"I hate Mutha F*ckin snakes." I will have gotten my money's worth just
hearing him say something like that.

While at the river this weekend, I noticed a lot of fat people with tattoos.
Make a note to yourself...if you plan on getting a spare tire around your
stomach and lower back line, don't get a tattoo in that area. It looks so
gross and you will make your kids super proud to claim you at their t-ball
pool party in years to come. I have nothing against tattoos, but if it looks
stupid or looks like crap, why waste your skin/money? You are not being
original by getting a tribal or a Japanese symbol that you had no idea what
it means until Bruno the Inker told you. You are doing the same thing that
1000 other people do daily.

I hate people who feed on drama. There are some people who will never
be happy. The happiest they get is when they get to bitch to someone
about how crappy something going on in their lives is. No matter who you
are, you will always know someone like that. My advice to you is to do what
I do and that's to tell that person to STFU and quit bringing everyone else
down. Nobody likes that guy and you probably don't want him around. It's
your job to either change him or kick him to the curb as a friend. That's
how friends do one another.

That's all for me, I think I've said enough.

Until next time, throw up a "T" for...

T-BONE!

Editor's Note: This is T-Bone's 50th article for The Rock Pile. Let's all
send him a note of congratulations at vwbeetleman@yahoo.com. It's been
a great run so far and there's still many more to come. This Bud's for you,
T-Bone!