 |  |  |  |  |
I’m not big on public service announcements, but I wish I could star in my
own “The More You Know” ad on NBC just to tell America to never, ever,
ever watch XXX: State of the Union. Then I’d stare at the camera with an
“I take myself way too seriously” look on my face, and I’d feel real good
about myself afterwards.
All kidding aside, since no one saw this movie (as only $25 million at the box
office can attest), you need me to tell you that it sucked on virtually every
level so you won’t make the same mistake I made. I honestly can’t think of a
single good thing to say about it. If they had to pull a positive line from my
review to put on the DVD case, you’d be reading:
“The scene where he escapes from prison was kind of okay!” –
Anthony Elms, rockpileproductions.com
I guess I should actually describe the movie rather than just go on and on
about how dreadful it is. Basically, someone attacks the underground lair of
the XXX program (or whatever they call it). Samuel L. Jackson is almost
killed. They announce that Xander Cage, our hero from the first installment
of the series, was killed in Bora Bora the night before, so just in case you
were expecting a first-rate action star perhaps you still have time to go get
your money back. Sam realizes that he wants nothing to do with having to
carry this picture so he enlists the help of Darius Stone (played by the one-
dimensional Ice Cube), a bitter man who is in jail because of one of those
military operations gone wrong, where his conscience overruled his duty.
Willem Dafoe is the Secretary of Defense/evil conspirator (totally mailing it
in, I might add). Some guys are helping him, he captures Sam and all his
men from the unit of the failed military operation, Dafoe makes them the fall
guys in a plot to eliminate everyone standing between him and the
presidency, he considers actually reading the script, etc.
Even Sam Jackson fans need not apply – he has like ten minutes of screen
time in this one. Can’t say I blame him, except that now we’re in the hands of
Ice Cube, who says everything with a “The more I snarl,
But imagine if after they traded Shaq last summer, the
Lakers had announced that they weren’t going to re-sign Kobe Bryant either
but instead were going to trade for Antoine Walker and they were going to
try to win a championship with him as the go-to guy. Once the decision to
cast Ice Cube was made, they should have slashed the $87 million-dollar
budget in half and tried to get by cheaply – then at least the movie could
have had a shot at turning a profit and it would be easier to forgive its
shortcomings. Cube tries way too hard, uses attitude to the point of
annoyance and he’s in way over his head trying to make us believe he’s a
former Navy SEAL. After about 15 minutes of listening to him talk tough and
watching his stunt double kick butt, the movie has given you the mindset of a
prisoner – put it on autopilot and hopefully your sentence will be up soon.
Another horrible casting decision was made by whoever chose this guy to
play the president. Who is this guy? He was without a doubt the least
believable commander-in-chief I’ve ever seen in a movie/TV show. Did the
filmmakers really think people would put him in office, even in the XXX
universe? And when they intercut snippets of his State of the Union address
during action scenes, he says the same old crap every president says in the
unoriginal dreamworld of liberal Hollywood, where every good president is
supposed to be just like Jimmy Carter. Hey guys, I got news for ya – there’s
a reason why Carter lost his re-election bid in a landslide.
I must admit that part of the reason I so thoroughly hated XXX: State of the
Union was because I enjoyed the first XXX movie. I liked Diesel, I liked the
European locales, the soundtrack was good, the stunts were entertaining,
and it was just fun to watch. It wasn’t the kind of movie that you can have
deep intellectual discussions about afterwards, but not all movies are
supposed to be like that, which is good. However, when discussing XXX:
State of the Union, to cop a line from the principal in Billy Madison, I’m now
dumber for having watched it. This is a movie that even screwed up the Q-
like/comic relief guy, the easiest character to get right in any movie like this.
And by predictably changing the soundtrack from the pounding industrial-
metal of the first XXX flick to lousy hip-hop, the series lost a little more of
whatever originality it had – had the first one had a hip-hop soundtrack, no
way would they have gone metal with the second.
I would apologize for maybe giving too much away, but what difference does
it really make? Do you really think there’s a chance anything shocking is
happening here? Oftentimes after I watch a movie that’s terrible, if I can see
how maybe someone in some stratosphere somewhere could like it I will tell
people to watch it and make up their own mind. However, like I said at the
beginning, I’m trying to help you here. You can’t even listen to Roger Ebert
on this one – he gave this crap 2 and a half stars. Two and a half! That’s
almost thumbs up! I must save you from him as well. So again I plead with
you, please, please, please don’t waste your time with this piece of garbage
when there are so many other constructive things you could be doing with
your time, like staring at the wall. So when the DVD comes out on July 26,
just remember...
Anthony Elms
Contact Me
