December 25, 2005

  Hope you all had a great Christmas.  You may recall from an earlier
column of mine that I someday hope to experience the joy of fatherhood and
the thrill of winning my fantasy football league.  Well I’d like to tell you that on
this, the most sacred of all yearly holidays, one of these things has come
true.

Now before you hop on the phone and start spreading rumors that I’ve
knocked somebody up, I’m happy to announce that I, Anthony Elms, am the
Champion of the 2005 League of Champions Fantasy Football League!

I must admit that for a long time I didn’t think I could do











But the thing about rock bottom, as they say, is that there’s nowhere to go
but up.  The loss to Highlight Reel left me with a very poor 2-4 record and
not even in the hunt for a playoff birth.  However, the following week I upset
Nookie Patrol, who at that time was near the top of the league.  Then I won
again, and again, and again….and pretty soon the playoffs were starting, I
was on a 7-game win streak and had grabbed a number 3 seed with my
newfound momentum.

After whipping up on Nookie Patrol again, I defeated Alice! in the semifinals,
leading to a showdown for the championship with Georgia Pain Train,
another upstart like myself and a team I consider to be my arch nemesis
ever since we got into a war of words on the league message board (which, I
proudly admit, I started).  Ever been around that one guy who gets under
your skin, the guy who it appears get places in life because he’s lucky?  In
our league, that’s Georgia Pain Train.  He’s the one who always seems to be
playing against teams when their best players are in their bye week, a guy
who made the playoffs despite finishing 8th in the league in points.  Last
year he made it all the way to the finals even though I didn’t think his team
was that good, and here he was again even though I didn’t believe in him
this time either.  

Going into Sunday night’s Minnesota-Baltimore












I believe there are four key reasons why I ran the gauntlet and came out on
top, and I’d be remiss not to acknowledge why I think I’m sipping the fantasy
football bubbly this year:

1.  Carson Palmer being dumped in my lap in the 7th round.   The
Culpepper injury made a tough decision easy for me. Usually I’d wait a few
weeks and see if things turned around, until way after it was too late, but
fortunately I didn’t sit on my butt on this one; by the time Daunte was hurt I’d
already pulled the plug on him and his numerous team-killing interceptions a
couple of weeks earlier.  Need more proof?  Just look at Palmer’s numbers.  I
was fortunate to get such a steal that late in the draft – next year he’ll be a
top 15 pick.

2.  Picking up Cardinals’ kicker Neil Rackers.  I wouldn’t be here today
without him.  I saw that he was doing well early on and Sebastian Janikowski
just wasn’t cutting it for me.  The first game I had Neil he kicked like four 40+
yard field goals and scored 23 points, which may have been the highest
single-game point total by a kicker this season.  






3.  Resisting the urge to make a risky trade.  My running backs this year
were Tiki Barber and Clinton Portis.  Tiki was always untouchable, but about
midway through the season I considered trading Portis to Ironhead’s thingy
because I needed help at wide receiver, which was an Achilles heel for me
the entire season.  Thankfully I didn’t – Clinton really came on late in the
year.  Sometimes the best deals are the ones you don’t make.

4.  GPT benching Willie Parker for the championship game in favor of
Michael Bennett, a guy who’d been on his team for about 3 days.  
Bennett had 9 total yards in the final - he’d have done just as well if he’d
missed the plane.  Parker ran for 130 and scored a touchdown, which would
have easily given GPT the win had he started.  Parker was one of the
reasons he was even in the championship round, but GPT wasn’t able to
resist over-maneuvering.  No offense Pain Train, but that was definitely a
“Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan moment” - I don’t think even Isiah Thomas
would have made that move.  But don’t try playing the “If I’d left in Willie
Parker…” card – if if’s and but’s were candy and nuts…I guess Christmas
couldn’t have turned out much better for this guy (thumbs pointing
backwards, oh yeah).

So what happens from here?  Mission: Repeat starts tomorrow.  I enjoy the
rest of the NFL season without worrying about statistics.  I make a half-
hearted effort to collect the agreed-upon $5 entry fee that nobody has paid,
which is going to be tough to do since Pain Train lives in Georgia, Jerry’s
Kids lives in Dallas and I’ve never even met Easy Co. Spades.  I start
strategizing for next year’s draft – it’s only like 7 or 8 months away.  I start
trying to come up with a name for next year’s team - even though I’ll always
recall it fondly, I must retire Perry’s Grandma.  I come up with new and fun
ways to taunt the other guys in the league – like reminding Skeletor that he
drafted Ben Roethlisberger 3rd overall when he’d have been available in the
6th round (prompting Jerry’s Kids’ instant classic response – “WTF?”), or
telling The Octagons that he needs to fire his GM knowing that he was the
GM, or writing a column on a website for all of them to read painfully, much
like a Dear John letter or an eviction notice.  And I will constantly boast of my
conquest over them, all year long, in other ways I haven’t even thought of
yet, like reminding them that entering next year I’m still on a 10-game win
streak.  And I would expect them to do the same under similar
circumstances, for in fantasy football the meek shall not inherit the earth –
there’s no false modesty here.

But for the rest of this night, I’ll smile and enjoy a celebratory Mountain Dew.  
See ya next year, suckers!







                                                                         Anthony Elms
                                                                          Contact Me  


Reflections on a Most Magical Season
Entertainment
Fantasy Football is a game in
which the participants (called
"owners") each assemble a team of
real-life NFL players and then score
points based on those players'
statistical performance on the field.
Leagues can be arranged in which
the winner is the team with the most
total points at the end of the season
or in a head-to-head format (which
mirrors the actual NFL) in which each
team plays against a single opponent
each week, and at the end of the year
the team with the best win-loss record
wins the league. Most leagues set
aside the last weeks of the NFL
regular season for their own playoffs.

Fantasy football has evolved in recent
years from a mere recreational
activity into a big business industry
due to the Internet. Fantasy sports in
general have grown into an industry
that generates an estimated $100
million in annual revenue and
involves about 30 million Americans,
according to a Harris Interactive poll.
Fantasy football has surpassed fantasy
baseball in popularity and is now the
most popular fantasy sport in the
United States. And it is continuing to
grow: the number of websites and
magazines dedicated to fantasy
football has increased substantially in
each of the last several years.

Typically, a fantasy football league
comprises 8–12 teams, which
allocate NFL players among
themselves by holding a draft or
auction before the start of the season.
Most leagues are "re-draft" leagues in
which each team begins each season
with an empty roster to be filled via
draft or auction. (The drafts are
usually held in serpentine fashion; i.
e., the team picking first in the odd
rounds will pick last in the even
rounds.) Some leagues, however, are
"keeper" leagues in which owners can
designate a certain number of players
(sometimes just one, perhaps as many
as five) to keep on their roster from the
previous season, removing them from
the annual draft. Other leagues,
termed "dynasty" leagues, take this
further: the owner keeps his entire
roster from the previous season (or at
least the vast majority), with the
annual draft consisting only of rookie
players.

Undrafted players become free
agents, meaning that they are not on
a current roster. During the season,
owners may alter the composition of
their teams either by adding players
from pool of free agents (and
dropping a corresponding number of
players from their rosters, who then
become free agents) or by making
trades with other owners.

Scoring is based on the performance
of each team's individual players in
their weekly NFL games. A common
format for a starting lineup is:

1 Quarterback
2 Running backs
3 Wide receivers
1 Tight ends
1 Placekicker
1 Team Defense
Some leagues use Individual
Defensive Players (IDPs) instead of a
Team Defense.

Players earn their team points based
on their performance in their weekly
games. A common scoring format is:

1 point for 20 passing yards
1 point for 10 rushing yards
1 point for 10 receiving yards
6 points for a rushing or receiving
touchdown
4 points for a passing touchdown
-2 points for every turnover committed
1 point for an extra point kicked
3 points for a made field goal (with
varying bonuses for long distance
kicks)
Defensive scoring varies greatly from
league to league.
game, I was clinging to a 68-65 lead, with my
players done and with only Vikings’ running
back Michael Bennett remaining for him.  If
Bennett could be held under 60 yards and no
touchdowns, I’d win, which definitely wasn’t a
slam-dunk – I had a small margin for error.  
Fortunately Mike Tice won it for me by not
even playing Bennett after the first drive of the
game, therefore awarding me the
championship!  Who says he doesn’t know
what he’s doing?
"I shoulda been there...
I shoulda been there."
it.  When I was near the bottom of the league in total
points after six games, I didn’t think my team had it.  
When my first round draft pick Daunte Culpepper,
who was a stud for me last year, stuck it to me worse
than the Pujols homer for six weeks before injuring
himself for the remainder of the season, I thought I
was done.  And when the unthinkable happened,
Highlight Reel beating me without even starting a full
lineup (then leaving me a note that inspired an entry
on the Lame List, Mr. “Priceless”), I hit rock bottom.
Remember the scene in The Untouchables
when Ness and Malone find Stone at the police
academy, and he was like a godsend?  That’s
how I like to imagine me finding Neil would have
gone if we had to actually meet in person first.
Mountain Dew is a citrus flavored
soft drink produced by PepsiCo, Inc. It
was first marketed locally in 1948 and
across the United States in 1964.

Mountain Dew often incurs the
disapproval of health experts due to its
relatively high caffeine content.
However, Mountain Dew marketed in
Australia and Canada — as well as
several U.S. states — has no caffeine
added at all. Mountain Dew also
contains tartrazine ("FD&C Yellow No.
5" in the US), which could lead to
allergic reactions in some people.
This has also led to an urban legend
that the Yellow No. 5 in Mountain
Dew reduces the sperm count of male
drinkers. This is, however, false. Diet
Mountain Dew contains aspartame.
Mountain Dew's brominated vegetable
oil (BVO) is another source of
contention. More than 100 countries
ban BVO for its adverse health effects.
However, the exact quantity of
bromine put into fat cells from BVO is
questioned.

In Europe, Mountain Dew is available
in the following countries:

Iceland (since 2002)
Finland (since 2002)
Poland (since 2002)
Norway (since 2005)
Switzerland
Romania (since 2003)
Germany (only at a few gas stations,
as well as at Subway restaurants)
Spain (since 2004)
Malta (since 2005)
The Netherlands (Only at America
Today branches, and at EnergyBoost.
nl)
Hungary
Bulgaria (since 2005)