Random Resolutions

January 3, 2006

Happy New Year to all. It's that time of year when most people decide it's
time to improve upon something. I guess the first of the year is a good
starting point. I've decided what I need to work on, but I have a few
resolution suggestions for everyone else in 2006.

- In football, let Terrell Owens NOT be in any way the main news story of
the year. In fact, let him get picked up by someone and not make a big
deal out of it. That's what he feeds off of and ESPN is his personal chef.

- Don't be surprised if you get bitch-slapped if you go up to a male
co-worker and ask if they checked out American Idol last night. That's not
cool.

- On the radio, please no more Black Eyed Peas or Gwen Stefani. The
Koreans are using a new torture method these days. It involves locking
prisoners into a hot humid room and listening to a loop of "My Humps" and
"Hollaback Girl."

- To SBC (anyone who has read a column of mine should know my beef
with them), quit merging with other companies and start focusing on
customer satisfaction. There is a DirecTV commercial that sings
"Somebody out there loves you" implying it's them. This must be some kind
of tough love.

- To Budweiser, bring back the Leon commercials.

- To Hollywood, come up with something original. Remakes and video
game movies are really starting to get old. Oh, and television movies
converted to movies tend to suck, too.

- To SNL, other than your "Chronicles of Narnia" rap, nothing has been
funny this year. Do at least two funny things per skit, not per year.

- To Chris Berman, retire. You are not good at all. That WHOOOP! sound
you make is ridiculous and I want to come through the TV and slap the crap
out of you every time you do it, which would equate to about 20 times per
hour.

- To Ashlee Simpson, disappear. Just save whatever dignity you have left
and go away. You are annoying and can't sing. Not only was that unveiled
with that botched SNL voiceover thing, but the Orange Bowl crowd booed
you out of Miami last year. Just go away. At least your annoying sister is
hot.

- To Mayor Ray Nagin and Governer Kathleen Blanco, cover yourselves in
deer blood and crawl into an alligator hole. You are both worthless and
have ZERO business controlling any aspect of someone else's life (I can
say this, I am a Louisiana native).

- To ABC, go ahead and finish this season of Lost and get it out on DVD
immediately. I'm dying here.

- To Vince McMahon, if you really want to improve your show, you need a
new writer and I'm offering my services. You've got some major
cheddarheads working for you on Smackdown and RAW these days and I
can help. Seriously.

- To drunks, get yourself out of the habit of saying "Get-R-Dun" every three
minutes, thus encouraging a group shouting of same phrase.

- To Donald Trump, do something with your hair. You are super rich and I
know you aren't trying to establish some sort of fashion trend with that
thing. Surely you can afford to have someone figure out what to do with it.

- To any network out there who cares, bring back American Gladiators.
And do it right, just like they did it before.

- To the new guy at my gym, start bringing a towel with you. I haven't
caught you yet, but I know there is some nasty-ass around leaving pools of
sweat on every bench I go to use.

- To Blockbuster, quit jacking up the rates for the Movie Pass. We have a
nice thing going here. Don't make me switch to NetFlix.

And that's what's on my mind today. Who knows what next week brings.
Until next time, "Be good to yourself, and each other."

T-BONE!

First name: Leon
Last name: Just Leon, homey.
Birthday: Leon is forever young.
Birthplace: St. Louis, MO
Zodiac Sign: $$$$
Height: 6-0
Weight: 200
College: Money, you know I went
straight to the pros.

Career Highlights:
Where do I start? Leon’s whole
career is like a highlight reel, baby.
They may have to make an all-Leon
cable channel just to fit it all in.
Channel #1! My personal favorite
moment came during the 1995
playoffs. We were down 14-10 in the
final two minutes of the game and
who gets the call? Leon. It was a call
from my publicist, Tina, who had just
landed a sweet photo-op with me
and the Cheerleaders after the
game. We lost the game badly, and
the season was over. But damn those
ladies were fine.

Personal:
My mantra is “If Leon ain’t playin’
someone ain’t payin’.” Leon is
constantly striving to be a better
Leon for the fans. When he’s not
starring in one of his many Budweiser
commercials, he’s busy training for
what’s next. Modeling? Movies? Who
knows. The sky’s the limit for Leon.
And if there was something higher
than the sky, that would be the limit.






		Daniel Lawrence Whitney (born February 17, 1963 in Pawnee City, Nebraska), better known by the stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is one of the co-stars on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and the subsequent series Blue Collar TV. He is also the voice of Mater the tow truck in Pixar's animated movie Cars. After attending a private school, his family moved to exclusive Palm Beach, Florida when he was 16. He eventually became a radio comedian, working with Ron and Fez on the syndicated "Ron and Ron Show," before hooking up with the Blue Collar Boys. His trademarks are "redneck" style humor delivered while speaking in an affected thick Southern accent, recounting bizarre stories about his "family", and the phrases "Git-R-Done!" and "Do you believe that?". Often at his acts, some woman yells out that she loves him. He usually responds by saying "I told you to wait in the truck" - a line cribbed from Tom Waits.



			You're my boy, Blue!