I _ _ _ _ New York

July 28, 2006

Hiddey Ho and welcome to the Bone Pile. It's been a great week, other
than SBC still living up to their standard of general sucktitude. But hey, I've
grown to expect nothing less from them. I just hope they don't expect a
check in the mail this month.

As I mentioned last week, I just started a new position. My new company
flew me into New Jersey for some training and to get to know the team and
the executives. It was very interesting flying just past New York City
because this was the first time I was seeing these things other than via
television. Some people were gawking at certain things, suck as the
Empire State Building. I guess I lived up to my "Turd In The Punchbowl"
status by making the claim, "It's not that big."

Anyway, so I arrived at the airport and met up with my new boss. I told him
that it was cool seeing all of these things for the first time. He was
astounded that I had never been to NYC before. I pointed out that I've
never even been to the northeast part of the country before, let alone NYC.
So he decided to make arrangements for the younger guys in the company
to take me out to the city on my last night.

The first thing we did upon our arrival was hit a local pub. By the way, I am
in a town called Cranford, NJ. On my way to this pub, I am noticing that the
word "quaint" would be the most accurate way to describe the town. I know
that the property up there probably costs a fortune, but it didn't look like
too many people in Cranford had a ton of cash. All of the buildings were
old and I didn't see a Taco Bell anywhere. I'll explain more on that in a
second. So we hit one of the local pubs for a couple of drinks before
having dinner. I believe this place was called The Cellar, and boy did it live
up to its name. It was semi-underground and it looked to be about 200
years old. It seemed like everyone in there knew each other, and that's
always a good thing...unless you are supposed to be attending an AA
meeting. But it was a nice atmosphere and there was a lot of "How ya
doin'?" going on.

After that, we met up with the president of the company at another small
joint down the road. We had a nice dinner and I was welcomed to the
team. During dinner, I asked how come I didn't see many chain restaurants
around. I think the only thing I saw was a Dunkin Donuts. Cranford has a
rule that there can be no drive-thru windows. This eliminates almost all fast
food chains. They try to keep it all local business oriented by making a law
like that. For all of us in the South, except maybe New Orleans, we know
that would NEVER fly. I also learned that no gas station in Jersey is self
serve. They have attendants at every station. Along with this, gas stations
are not convenience marts like we have grown accustomed to. So if you
want a drink or some chips, you are S.O.L. because all you are getting is
gas and maybe a windshield wipedown.

My first day on the job was somewhat ho hum. I cannot say that I learned
too much except for meeting the people I'd be working with. Perhaps the
Dallas market is ultra fast paced. Or maybe they just run at a slow pace.
But to me, my job has always been driven by making phone calls...almost
stalking people until I get a resounding yes or no. In my first 5 hours there,
I never heard anyone pick up the phone and make a call. I was amazed by
it, honestly. That's not a knock on them. It just goes to show the
contrasting styles between regions. Anyway, this part is boring, I know.

That night, it was more of the same from the night before. Hit a pub and
have a few pre-dinner drinks, then go somewhere else for dinner. No
matter where we went, the people I was with were no strangers to the
crowd. And for the record, Miller products are not very popular up there.
So if you are accustomed to Miller and have to go up there, get used to
Amstel Light. It's about the closest thing you'll see.

I'll skip what most of Tuesday was like. Frankly, it was uneventful. It would
bore you, and even I don't remember much about it. I just know that at
night, I went out with two co-workers of mine to NYC. I went with John and
Ryan over to Hoboken, where Ryan lives. It is just on the edge of the city.
We dropped off our stuff and caught a subway train into Manhattan. This
was actually my first subway ride. It was about what I was expecting.
Luckily we were on our way into the city while the really crowded trains were
heading out. That would be a crowded ride with some nasty ass weirdos.

Once we got to Manhattan, we grabbed a cab and went to a place called
Bryant Park. Now this was an interesting place. It's like three acres of just
a grassy plot. There are some French chairs and tables randomly
scattered throughout the grass and sidewalk around it. There are all kinds
of people hanging out, too. Basically, it is a microcosm of everything you
think about NYC. There was a couple making out, someone studying, a
guy passed out, and some guy shaking and talking to himself. There was
an outdoor bar right behind it and that's where we headed. I was thinking
that being up north the weather would be cooler. I guess the smog of the
city generates humidity because I was sweating like crazy. They sure are
proud of their drinks, too. Two beers and a cocktail = 25 bucks, without tip.
Luckily the execs said we could expense some of the night, but we decided
this was not the place to do it. The other guys had met some girls while we
were there. There were three of us and unfortunately there were three of
them. I wish there had only been two, because I was not in the mood to
play wingman. Not only because of Kitty, but also because these were
some ugly, ugly heifers. I mean that. I just didn't see the point of them
even trying.

So we caught another cab to a bar called the Opal. I'd like to point out that
Ryan was a total dick to the cab drivers. In the first cab, he got in and
immediately said the cab smelled like shit. He asked him if he'd been
eating curry or if a baby had shit himself in the car. I was really kind of
embarrassed about it. I felt bad for the cabbie.

Back to the Opal, one of the guys knew the bartender, so we got a bit of a
hookup. I know it was Tuesday night, but this place was virtually dead.
Lucky for me, the All Star game was on. I may have been the only person
there actually watching it. The boys didn't see anything they liked, so they
called up those ugly girls from Bryant Park. Lucky me, they came one shy
of their current party. So no wingman duties for me. The bar itself was
pretty cool, but I don't see much that separates it from any other joint I've
been to in Shreveport, Dallas, or even Monroe. Take a crappy bar, put it in
the middle of Manhattan, make the drinks twice the amount you'd pay
anywhere else...BAM, you've got yourself a nice NYC bar.

It was here that I got ribbed for being a southerner. Being that I used to
bartend, I know some pretty good shots. I called for an Alabama Slammer
for the guys and that requires Southern Comfort whiskey. Apparently
nobody uses that up there. They have it stocked, but nobody ever makes
a drink order that requires it. The drink also requires Sloe Gin. Consider
that "tell number 2" as they didn't even carry that. We had to makeshift it
with something else. Of course, as the night dragged on, I'm sure my
LA-TX accent got a little thicker and it became a bit more obvious that "I
wasn't from around those parts".

I'd seen some sly acts put on that night from guys and girls alike. I
determined one thing about the ladies of that bar, and that's that they like
money. I saw a girl talking to a guy for about an hour. She seemed like
she was pretty into him. He was wearing slacks and a golf shirt, or
something like that. He went to the bathroom and while he did, a guy in a
nice suit walked in and started flashing the cash to the bartender. The guy
in the bathroom never got in another word with that chick for the rest of the
night. She found her a NEW friend in those three minutes. I could go on
and on about the different characters I saw in there that night. I am a
people watcher, so I see all kinds of stuff.

It was time to go because I had a flight to catch the next morning and the
guys had to work. Surprisingly, the guys invited those dog-ugly girls over.
The girls had some excuse not to come over. I did the ole finger snap of
disappointment. So we got a cab back to Ryan's place and we actually
went through the Lincoln Tunnel. I was thinking that if something
happened and it caved in, hopefully Sly Stallone would be there to help
rescue us. If you didn't get that, I apologize. So in my night in NYC, I got to
see the Empire State Building, Time Square, the Statue of Liberty, Central
Park, and a few other smaller items. I know there is a lot to see, but in a
night where you are trying to crunch in as much as possible, I think we did
alright.

Even though those boys were in the hurt box the next morning, they got me
to my flight with plenty of time to spare. I do want to add though that even
Ryan and John noted how ugly those girls were the night before. I asked
them if they were too drunk at the time to notice or care. They said alcohol
didn't even play into it. It's nice to know there are still people out there who
don't even bother with outer beauty...when it's only a one night stand.

It was a fairly enjoyable trip, but believe me when I say I am in no rush to go
back anytime soon. My evaluation of New York is that it is dirty and
crowded, and overall, the people aren't nearly as friendly as we are down
south. There were some standouts that were nice, but overall, everyone
seemed like a jackass. As far as Jersey goes, the people were quite a bit
more down to earth in comparison. They seemed very laid back and they
really soak in the small town feeling, despite being so close to NYC. I
wasn't overly impressed with the food except for one thing, sandwiches.
They have really good bread and I think that's what put their sandwiches
ahead of any sub shop that we have down here.

I've been on the job for about 2 weeks now and I hear from the guys in
Jersey daily. I think we all work very well together and it's been really fun
so far. I get along great with the guys in my office and we are really
starting to get the Dallas office rolling. We have a lot in common and you'd
think that's a great thing. But for those of you who know me, can you
imagine three people like me being in one office?

That's all on that. I know I made mention of this in one of my initial
columns, but this is still something that pisses me off to no end. When you
go out to eat, tip at least 15%. In fact, 18-20% is the standard these days.
If you don't have the funds to go out to eat and take care of those who take
care of you, then hit the fast food joint or enjoy your Ramen noodles at
home. You know who you are.

Until next time, throw up a "T" for...

T-Bone!

While it was still a wilderness, New
York's colonial governor Thomas
Dongan designated the area now
known as Bryant Park as a public
space in 1686. George Washington's
troops crossed the area while retreating
from the Battle of Long Island in 1776.
Bryant Park was a potter's field (a
graveyard for the poor) from 1823 to
1840, when thousands of bodies were
moved to Ward's Island.

The first park at this site opened in
1847 as Reservoir Square. It was
named after its neighbor, the Croton
Distributing Reservoir. In 1853, the
Crystal Palace Exhibition took place in
the park, with thousands of exhibitors.

The square was used for military drills
during the American Civil War, and
was the site of some of the New York
Draft Riots of July 1863, when the
Colored Orphan Asylum at Fifth
Avenue and 43rd Street was burned
down.

In 1884 Reservoir Square was renamed
Bryant Park, to honor the New York
Evening Post editor and abolitionist
William Cullen Bryant. In 1899 the
Reservoir building and construction of
the New York Public Library building
began. Terraces and kiosks were added
to the park.

However the construction of the Sixth
Avenue Elevated railway in 1878 had
cast a literal and metaphorical shadow
over the park, and by the 1930s the
park had suffered neglect and was
considered disreputable. The park was
re-designed in 1933-1934 as a Great
Depression public works project under
the leadership of Robert Moses. The
new park featured a great lawn, but
also added hedges and later an iron
fence that cut off the park from the
surrounding city streets. The park was
temporarily degraded in the late 1930s
by the tearing down of the El and the
construction of the IND Sixth Avenue
Line subway.

By the 1970s Bryant Park had been
taken over by drug dealers, prostitutes
and the homeless. It was nicknamed
"Needle Park" by some due to its brisk
heroin trade, and was considered a
"no-go zone" by ordinary citizens and
visitors. From 1979 to 1983, a
coordinated program of amenities,
including a bookmarket, a flower
market, cafes, landscape
improvements, and entertainment
activities, was initiated by a parks
advocacy group called the Parks
Council and immediately brought new
life to the park -- an effort continued
over the succeeding years by The
Bryant Park Restoration Corporation,
which had been founded in 1980 by a
group of prominent New Yorkers,
including members of the Rockefeller
family, to improve conditions in the
park. In 1988 a privately funded
re-design and restoration was begun by
the Bryant Park Restoration
Corporation under the leadership of
Daniel A. Biederman, with the goal of
opening up the park to the streets and
encouraging activity within it.

In 1992 the new Bryant Park re-opened
and was an instant and spectacular
success, immediately attracting local
workers and tourists to it.