The Lame List: Part III
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| Glad to be back. If you haven’t read the first list, click here, then proceed. If you haven’t read the second list, click here, then proceed. Everybody caught up now? Let’s go. 1. Hines Ward. 2. Brooke Hogan. 3. Keith Olbermann. 4. People who kiss Spike Lee’s butt. He’s highly overrated. Part of why Reggie Miller is a hero of mine. 5. The Pac-10 Conference. Especially UCLA (even though Reggie Miller went there). 6. Uninspired cover tunes. See Bolton, Michael. He’s practically made a career out of this (and yes, I do recall saying I’d leave him alone in the first Lame List. Unfortunately he was the best example I could think of). And for the record, UCT’s are never more prevalent than at Christmas time – what makes these singers think they have a new and exciting take on “Jingle Bells” that everyone wants to hear? 7. The truck I saw on my base that had “My Kids Think I’m an ATM” on one side of the bumper and “I’m the Boss - My Wife Said I Could Be” on the other. 8. Overly-pretentious personal blogs. I’d name names but it would really hurt someone’s feelings (although I don’t think the offending parties have read any of my columns). 9. You, if a majority of the following applies to you: 1) You’re still really into poker. 2) You eat at Hooters more often than you eat at home. 3) You have a subscription to Maxim. 4) You consider Hugh Hefner to be the coolest man alive. 5) Your Myspace profile features a picture of you wearing a sideways cap, you have a dumb look on your face, your profile name is something like “Da Hustla”, you accept friend requests from webcam hoes, and you post comments on the hoes’ pictures that say stuff like “You Fine!” 6) You really like The Boondock Saints (You knew I couldn’t let one of these go by without mentioning that movie, didn’t you? Thought I’d get it out of the way early). 10. Quoting Creed lyrics in church. Sounds ridiculous? Unbelievably, I’ve heard it done in person, and it’s worse than you think it would be. 11. Application hangs on Internet Explorer. 12. Us Magazine. Too much gossip. 13. Rick Fox. 14. Jessica Simpson’s dad. 15. Speaking of Jessica’s family, that wuss from Fall Out Boy. What do you think he and Tony Romo talk about at family get-togethers? I can’t imagine they’d have much in common. 16. Those banner ads for smiley face emoticons where every time you run your cursor over them one of the faces says “Hel-looooo!”. Drives me INSANE. 17. Rob Schneider’s statement that he wouldn’t work with Mel Gibson after Mel’s extremely harmful drunken anti-Jewish rant and apparently far-less harmful arrest for driving 87 MPH in a 45 zone while intoxicated. Rob, I know a few people liked Deuce Bigalow, but I think you need to reevaluate the state of your career a little bit. I guess you think since you were in Judge Dredd with Sly Stallone that everybody’s dying to have you in their movie. This is like Greg Ostertag telling USA Basketball that he won’t be playing on the Olympic team, or Rick Springfield telling Van Halen not to call him next time they need a new singer. 18. 80% of people who say they really like Jimmy Buffet. I know some genuine lovers of his music, and I have nothing against him, but it seems like a lot of his “fans” are posers. By liking Jimmy Buffet it’s like they’re trying to say “I’m cool, laid-back and like to party!”. For them, a Jimmy Buffet album is not a treasured possession so much as a status symbol. 19. That “Stay the Same” song Joey McIntyre put out a few years ago. Yikes. 20. That Taylor Hicks guy. 21. Friends. 22. Venezuela. 23. The Baby Boomer generation. 24. My mom, the time when I was 16 and she sent me to town with $20 to fill her car up with gas. I put 13 bucks in the tank and bought myself a soda. When I got home she demanded I pay her back a dollar for the Mountain Dew. I still throw this up to her every now and then. 25. The Shockmaster. Please, please search for “shockmaster entrance” on youtube. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. Love that helmet, btw. 26. Cool Runnings. A tour-de-force of cheesiness and overused subplots. True story – with about 20 minutes left in Cool Runnings, I sent a text message to the man who runs this website that said something to the effect of “We’re a slow clap away from breaking the all-time cliché record.” Wanna lay odds on whether or not that record fell? Epilogue to this story: I was watching it by myself…at the end, when that guy started the slow clap…if one of my friends had been there the whole time watching it with me, that would’ve been one of the five or six funniest things that’s ever happened. 27. Judd Hirsch’s character in Running on Empty. 28. Johnny Damon since he joined the Yankees. 29. Richard Gere. 30. P. Diddy. 31. Sending Barbaro a “Get Well Soon” message if you’re over the age of 7. My question is, why did they wait so long to euthanize him? Didn’t they see the writing on the wall a long time before that? Everyone else did. 32. Guys who still have that “James Van Der Beek in the first season of Dawson’s Creek” haircut. The dude at my local Pizza Hut is a perfect example. 33. 80% of girls who claim they “have a stalker.” Because of them, people take actual stalkers far less seriously than they should. For these chicks, “stalker” means “guy who likes me and has the guts to tell me, except I don’t feel the same way and he pathetically thinks he can change my mind.” For daring to be, we shouldn't call these guys stalkers – we should call them heroes. 34. Women drivers, the ones who drive sitting perfectly upright, both hands on the sides of the wheel, and looking straight ahead like they lack the ability to turn their necks. We’ve all seen it. Ok, enough chauvinism. 35. The 9th inning of the final game in Major League, when: 1. Roger Dorn tells Ricky Vaughn, “I’ve only got one thing to say to you - Strike this m----------r out!” 2. Jake Taylor implies to the batter that he’s not sure what he’s gonna call but then calls only fastballs 3. Jake Taylor calls his shot. 4. Roger Dorn, in celebration, hugs Ricky Vaughn, punches him (because he slept with his wife), then hugs him again. 36. Eurotrash. 37. Jake Gyllenhaal. 38. Roger Federer. 39. Dane Cook. 40. Naming your pets after Elvis. Sonny Crockett being a notable exception. 41. The video for “Land of Confusion” by Genesis. Incredibly silly in retrospect, not just the puppets but the statement it’s making in general. Somebody really should’ve called them out on this by now – fortunately, that’s why I’m here. 42. The guy who refuses to ever sit when you’ve got an odd number for pick-up basketball. I could write an entire Lame List devoted just to guys who annoy me at the fitness center basketball courts, but I’ll stop here. 43. People who never carry any cash. You know who you are. You’re the one who’s gotta pay me back later when I have to cover you for pizza. 44. People who are so impressed by STOMP (or one of its imitators), arguably the most overrated phenomenon in music today. Any time you see a STOMP-style performance it’s virtually guaranteed to get a huge ovation, even though it doesn’t appear to me to be any more difficult than percussion with regular instruments. What is drumming? Keeping a beat. What is STOMP? Keeping a beat. I’m not saying the performers aren’t very talented, but if somebody’s already good at the drums, why do people think it’s so much harder to play in rhythm on a garbage can lid instead of a snare? If you have some insight, or if I’m just way off on this, click the contact link below and tell me how. 45. Billy Zane. Has he ever played a likeable character? When he’s the bad guy, you don’t love to hate him, you just hate him. But you also hate him when he’s the good guy. 46. The Swing music renaissance of the late 90’s. Especially “Zoot Suit Riot”, the song most likely heard by a lost soul plummeting to Hell. 47. Skip Bayless and Jay Mariotti. 48. Al Gore. 49. John Lennon. 50. People who use the internet to gripe about how everything sucks. Oh wait… Merry Christmas! Anthony Elms Contact Me |
