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November 3, 2005
For one reason or another, I feel way more passionately about the things I
don’t like than the things I do. Ask me to come up with a list of 50 things that
really fuel my engine, and I’d probably be at work for a long time. However,
give me a forum to talk about what gets on my nerves? Sign me up!
So I present to you The Lame List, 50 things that are cheesy but perhaps
underrated, those aggravating areas of our culture that have gone under-
acknowledged - it’s time they got their proper due. I’m sure there’s plenty I
forgot, and I tried to avoid that which has become almost cliché to make fun
of or the list would have been excruciatingly long. So getting a free pass
today will be mullets, Michael Bolton and the WNBA, obvious things that
have been picked on enough on these types of lists. And if it seems like it’s
all about sports and movies, give me a break, that’s mostly what I know.
Warning – You’ll probably disagree with at least 35% of what you’re about to read.
Proceed with caution.
1. Aerosmith and Bon Jovi.
2. Stickers on vehicles with slogans like “Back Off!” or “So Hot.” The
other day I saw a lady pull into a parking lot with a front plate that said
“2Cute4U.” Exactly what is the thought process when putting
something like that on your car? Does she really believe it? Who is
she trying to impress? And needless to say, after seeing her I wasn’t
inspired to ask for her number.
3. Quoting the “Life is like a box of chocolates” line from Forrest Gump
and expecting to get a laugh.
4. The St. Louis Cardinals.
5. 95% of rap music.
6. Every Mel Brooks movie other than The Producers and Blazing
Saddles.
7. People under 40 who still rent VHS tapes exclusively – come on, it’s
almost 2006.
8. John Kerry’s attempts to portray
himself as a jock.
9. Celebrity Laker fans. I would say all Laker fans, but I guess I’ll give my
buddy the DanWagon a break this time. Lord knows I’ve given him
enough grief over this.
10. Pro Wrestling since 1999.
11. Wearing a hat or jacket that features a cartoon character.
12. MTV.
13. The Media.
14. Anything that requires batteries to sing and dance.
15. Bragging about how you cussed someone out in a situation in which
profanity was unnecessary. Example – blasting obscenities at the
power company phone operator when your electricity is out. Do you
really think that’s going to put you at the top of the list?
16. Television shows about woman presidents. Although I’ve never
actually watched one.
17. Claiming to be afraid of clowns.
18. Headbands.
19. The Boondock Saints.
20. Kenny Chesney. Man, he must
have really loved high school. And
would it kill him to wear sleeves
every once in a while? Thank you.
21. Vegetarians.
22. Holding up a sign at a ballgame that ends in the word “priceless.”
23. Dan Aykroyd. Have you noticed when he makes a guest appearance
on SNL, he has this smug look like he thinks he’s doing us all a favor
by gracing us with his comedic presence? I wish he was half as funny
as he thinks everyone thinks he is, if that makes sense. Speaking of
which…
24. Saturday Night Live since Will Ferrell left. The Barry Gibb Talk Show
not included.
25. Dan Shanoff, author of The Daily Quickie on espn.com.
26. Groomsmen/relatives who get way too into decorating a newlywed’s car
during the wedding reception.
27. Couples who can’t wait until nobody’s watching to shower each other
with buttloads of affection.
28. Couples who wear matching airbrush
t-shirts. You know it’s the chick’s
idea, and the guy went along with it
because he’s afraid of getting
dumped. If you know the guy, is it
even possible to make eye contact
with him after seeing him like that?
29. Neck tattoos.
30. Chris Klein and Josh Hartnett. Here on Earth didn’t have a chance.
Although in Klein’s defense, he was good in Election and he’s funny
on the trailer for the upcoming Just Friends. But he still sucks. And
why chicks think Josh Hartnett looks good, I’ll never get.
31. Corey Feldman, live at Blue Monkey Tavern, June 2002. Trust me on
this one – evidence exists. Stay tuned.
32. The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
33. Knocking on a door with “knock-knock-na-knock-knock, knock-knock.”
Also lame when applied to honking your horn. Dean of Students
Edward Rooney showed everyone the way to respond to that.
34. Blaming The Man for everything wrong with your life.
35. Richard Kind. If you don’t know who
he is, he’s the annoying guy laughing
his butt off at Billy Crystal at the
beginning of Mr. Saturday Night.
He’s also Larry’s really annoying
cousin on Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Notice a pattern here?
36. The ESPN Sunday Night Football announcing team.
37. Kevin Federline. This is who she married?
38. Rick Venturi, Saints Defensive Coordinator. I just knew he was going to
39. The Family Circus.
40. Jay Leno.
41. CD’s I have to make for my sister. The song lists are almost always
terrible, especially the ones she has me make for other people. The
Waffle House jukebox has a better selection.
42. Humming the Jeopardy music while somebody is thinking.
43. Calling someone on their birthday and immediately launching into the
happy birthday song without saying hello.
44. Bathroom Humor.
45. The NCAA’s banning of all teams with “offensive” nicknames from
hosting postseason events. That’s their way of saying “We think we
should do something about this, but we don’t know what.” What’s
wrong with being called Braves? Isn’t it good to be brave? All because
of a few activists and those they made feel guilty.
46. The two guys in the car on the Sonic commercials. They suck big
time. I never thought I’d be pining for the days of Frankie Avalon.
47. Popping your collar.
48. Conversations that occur right after a movie has let out. Some of the
dumbest things I’ve ever heard anyone say have been said by those
who have just gotten through watching a movie. That’s why, as
anybody who has ever seen a flick with me can tell you, all discussions
about the film must wait until we’ve reached the truck.
49. Anthony Elms, ages 9-16. Not that the years since have been far less
lame.
50. Columns centered on gimmicks like lists.
And remember...
by Anthony Elms
Contact Me
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The Lame List or Things You Probably Don't Realize You Do or Like
Entertainment
get fired – at the end of the 2002 season.
Improbably he remains employed. Ever gone into
a store and seen a retarded/troubled guy
sweeping the floor, probably being paid with
honeybuns and soda, working there just to keep
out of trouble? Nobody would be dumb enough to
make him a manager - would they?
The mullet is a type of haircut, in
which the hair is long at the back of
the head (usually at least to the
shoulders), but cut shorter on the top,
front, and sides of the head. The
result looks like long hair from behind,
but short hair from the front. In the
United States the mullet was trendy in
the 1970s, 1980s, and early 1990s,
but is now associated with the rural
and working classes. As a result, it has
become the subject of ridicule in
some circles. The name "mullet" was
first put in print by Mike D of the
Beastie Boys, and it has now entered
into common parlance. A common
description of the mullet haristyle and
its "versatility" is "Business at the
front, party at the back." The Mullet is
also famous for its popularity among
Camaro enthusiasts. Mullets are
currently undergoing a revival in
Spain.
History
The mullet became popular in the
1970s, but was known to have been
worn long before then. Urban legends
have it dating back to 19th Century
fishermen with long hair in back to
keep them warm, hence the term
"mullet". The term was also
referenced in the 1967 film Cool
Hand Luke, starring Paul Newman
and George Kennedy, in which
Kennedy's character refers to
Southern men with long hair as
"Mulletheads."
An article Mike D wrote for issue 2 of
the Beastie Boys' magazine, Grand
Royal in 1995, proved to be a turning
point in the history of the hairstyle.
The article started "There's nothing
quite as bad as a bad haircut. And
perhaps the worst of all is the cut we
call The Mullet," and went on to
lampoon the hairstyle over several
pages, including many photographs
of celebrities sporting this hair style.
Soon after the article was published,
it became popular for fans of the
band, and in youth culture generally,
to mock the hairstyle, which gradually
led over a few years to it being almost
universally ridiculed.
In the 2000s, a number of web sites
sprung up with photographs of people
with mullets, often accompanied by
mocking comments based on
stereotypes of mullet-wearers.
Michael Bolton, (born Michael
Bolotin in New Haven, Connecticut
on February 26, 1954) is a
Jewish-American Pop, Rock and
Adult contemporary singer-songwriter
known for his soft rock ballads and
gravelly singing voice.
His achievements include 7 top ten
albums and 6 number one singles on
the Billboard charts, as well as awards
from both the American Music Awards
and Grammys.
Bolton is a solo vocalist and has
found his success in the "easy
listening" genre. Unbeknownst to
many, however, Bolton got his
musical start in the late seventies with
a heavy metal band called Blackjack,
which also featured one-time Kiss
guitarist Bruce Kulick, in which he
was known by his birth name. The
band once toured with Ozzy
Osbourne. He began recording as
Michael Bolton in 1983. He has also
performed with Luciano Pavarotti,
Placido Domingo, Renee Fleming,
Patti Labelle, Ray Charles, Percy
Sledge, Wynonna Judd, and BB King.
Although Bolton is known for singing
other artists' songs, he is also a prolific
songwriter, having written songs for
Barbra Streisand, KISS, Kenny
Rogers, Kenny G, Cher, Peabo Bryson
and Patti Labelle, as well as having
co-written songs with Bob Dylan,
BabyFace and Diane Warren, among
others.
Bolton is the father of daughters born
in the mid-1970s - Isa, Holly and
Taryn.
In 1993, he established the Michael
Bolton Foundation (now the Michael
Bolton Charities, Inc.) to assist women
and children at risk from the effects of
poverty and emotional, physical, and
sexual abuse. The foundation has
provided over $3.7 million in funding
to local and national charities.
Bolton also serves as the honorary
chairman of Prevent Child Abuse
America, the national chairman for
This Close for Cancer Research, and
a board member for the National
Mentoring Partnership and the Joe
DiMaggio Children's Hospital.
In March, 2003, Bolton joined with
Lifetime Television, Verizon Wireless,
and many others to lobby on behalf of
the National Coalition Against
Domestic Violence, urging legislation
to provide more assistance for victims
of domestic violence, such as
affordable housing options.
Bolton has received the Lewis Hine
Award from the National Child Labor
Committee, the Martin Luther King
Award from the Congress of Racial
Equality, and the Ellis Island Medal
of Honor from the National Ethnic
Coalition of Organizations. The
Hollywood Chamber of Commerce
also recognized Bolton with a star on
the "Walk of Fame" for his musical
and charitable contributions.
The Women's National Basketball
Association or WNBA is an
organization governing a professional
basketball league for women in the
United States. Formed in 1996 as a
counterpart to the NBA, the league
started play in 1997.
The WNBA regular season is played in
the Summer after the NBA season is
over. Most teams play in the same
venue as their counterpart NBA teams.
Despite backing by the NBA, the
league has yet to capture the
popularity and financial success of its
sibling league.
Conferences and schedules
The league is divided into two
conferences. There are 6 teams in the
Eastern Conference and 7 teams in
the Western Conference. Each team
plays a 34-game regular season
schedule. The four teams in each
conference with the best winning
records go on to compete in the
playoffs.
Rules
Rules are governed by standard
basketball rules as defined by the
NBA, with a few notable exceptions:
Games are played in two 20-minute
halves of play, as in college
basketball.
There is a tip-off to start each half.
The shot clock runs for 30 seconds.
The three-point line is 20 feet and
6.25 inches (6.25 m) from the middle
of the basket, shorter than the NBA
distance
The regulation WNBA ball is a
minimum 28.5 inches (72.4 cm) in
circumference, 1.00 inch (2.54) cm
smaller than the NBA ball. This size is
used for all senior-level women's
competitions worldwide.
Teams
There have been a total of 17 teams
in WNBA history. A total of 3 teams
have folded since the league's
inception: the Cleveland Rockers, the
Miami Sol and the Portland Fire. Two
other teams, the Utah Starzz and the
Orlando Miracle moved to San
Antonio and Uncasville, Connecticut
respectively.
Business
The WNBA has struggled to mirror the
monetary success of the NBA.
Average attendance of WNBA games
leaguewide is roughly one half the
average attendance of NBA games.
According to the WNBA league office,
the maximum salary for a WNBA
player in 2004 was $90,000. By
comparison, $385,277 was the
minimum salary of an NBA rookie. [1]
Many WNBA players supplement their
salaries by playing in European
female basketball leagues during the
WNBA off-season. As of 2005 the
WNBA has yet to make a profit.
