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I hope you've had your fair share of turkey, T-Boners. At least until next month, that
is. For some, the day after thanksgiving means the most brutal day of shopping known
to man. To others, it means a small amount of glory and bragging rights for a year.
Those select individuals competing for such glory are part of the Day After Thanksgiving
Classic, a 2-hand touch football game amongst friends and bitter rivals.
Two teams, the Rapists and the Pillagers, have done battle since 2000. The Rapists
currently lead the series 4-1. They have taken the last 3 wins, but the Pillagers have
always been able to keep it close.
Here are the rules: First team to 5 touchdowns wins, teams must have the ball the same
number of times. The MVP is chosen by the losing team, but must come from the winning
team.
The winner receives a trophy that is a foot tall and has a football player on top. A player
on the winning team receives the trophy each year (the chosen player rotates based on
years of experience in game). That player keeps the trophy for one year (it was hidden
by the Rapists several times the year it was at Tonebone Elms' house).
Right after the game, the 2 teams convene at Johnny's Pizza (greatest pizza place ever)
in Oak Grove, where the losing team buys for the winners. This is probably the most
sacred tradition.
The Pillagers wear black, the Rapists wear white. Each team has 5 players.
Here are your teams:
The Pillagers
Captain - Anthony "Tonebone" Elms - Age 25 appearing in his 6th Classic. He is a
speedy quarterback/defensive back and won MVP honors in 2001 with a game-clinching
interception return for touchdown in overtime. He is still wearing "ribbons of shame" from
last year's interceptions that lost the game. His favorite all-time athlete is John Elway.
Dylan Mills - Age 24, 6th appearance in the Classic. This wide receiver/running
back/defensive back is a speedster and Elms' favorite option on the halfback pitch. He
lives in Shreveport and currently is the only player in the game who is married. He will
receive the trophy IF the Pillagers win.
Paul Couey - Age 23, 6th appearance in the game. Couey is the wild card. He is a
tight end/defensive lineman and scored 3 touchdowns in the 2004 game. Memorable
moment came in 2001 when he was a no-show in the first half while walking 2 1/2 miles
to the game after his truck broke down, and he played well after arriving. The flashiest
member of the team, Couey always knows where the camera is. The man can dance.
Daniel Herring - Age 21, 3rd appearance in game. He is a wide
receiver/defensive back. He provides the Pillagers a deep threat option, big play
receiver and usually draws toughest defensive assignment. He filled in for Couey in the
first half of 2001 when he was MIA and scored a touchdown. Daniel is the brother of the
Rapists' Matt Herring and the only game participant with actual football experience. He
also has the record for bringing the crappiest gift ever to a white elephant Christmas
party. Thanks for the mocha nuts.
Branson Bolden - Age 24, 1st Classic appearance. He lives in Shreveport and is in
medical school. Not much is known about Branson except that he has a twin brother and
he likes wearing camouflage. Could be a sleeper MVP pick.
The Rapists
Captain - Chris "Whatdizzle" Whatley (aka the Diz) Age 24 and making his 5th
Classic appearance. Glue of the team, plays quarterback and defensive back. Won
MVP in 2003, but arguably could have won MVP every year the Rapists have won. He
loves the New York Giants.
Matt Herring (aka the Boomer) - Age 24, 6th appearance in game. Wide
receiver/running back/defensive back. Elms labeled him as the game's Most Dangerous
Man. Just an estimate, he touches the ball on 80% of their plays, used for passing and
frequently for running and trick plays. A 2-time MVP, Herring has scored more
touchdowns than anybody. He teaches school and blindly roots for the Los Angeles
Dodgers. He truly believes Kirk Gibson is the most heroic man who ever lived (I'm
pumping my arm now).
Carl "C-Lo" Elliott (aka "Hot Carl", but only to me). Age 23 and making his 6th
appearance in game. He is a wide receiver/defensive back and made several
demoralizing plays at receiver in 2000 and 2 back-breaking INT's in 2004. He may be
the only player in the game known more for his defense. A 2-time MVP, Carl wishes the
Saints still had Sammy Knight.
Derrick Kelley - Age 23, 4th appearance in game. This wide receiver/defensive back
is a true speedster that ran track in high school. For a while, Derrick had to be talked
into playing every year, but he is a staple of the game now. His claim to fame, he once
met Steve Young on a park bench at Disney World.
Nick Butler - Age 24, 2nd appearance in game. He is a wide receiver/defensive
lineman Ridiculed for overdressing last year, Butler will probably show up shirtless and
in shorts just to prove a point no matter the weather. Nickyboy is another dangerous
element to the Rapists' already dynamite lineup.
There you have it. The Pillagers are hungry, but appear to have a monkey on their
backs. The Rapists are confident and are riding the momentum of a three year swing.
Their captain has also been playing mind games with the Pillagers making claims that
work could keep him out of the game. Alas, the Diz will be playing.
In my 2 years of predicting the Classic, I have predicted a Rapists victory 2 times and
have been correct. This year, I choose THE PILLAGERS to emerge victorious. I think it
is their time and the addition of Bolden will bring a new kink into the system. I believe
Elms has watched the game film from last years defeat and knows his adversary well.
Happy Turkey Day. Pillagers/Rapists... To battle! May your pizza slice be the sweetest
bite of the weekend.
Here's a "T" from...
T-BONE!
