Oh yeah!  I
love this
British stuff!


Breaking Down the Burger Joints
The Bone Pile
May 3, 2006



Hello T-Boners and welcome to the column Ronald McDonald will kill
Grimace over.  Today I'm judging the fast food burger restaurants on a
number of categories.  So buckle your seatbelts, because chances are,
you won't agree with me.

Let's start with the most evil and sinister of the fast food burger houses:
McDonald's.  I believe I have stated my dislike for "Mickey D's" in previous
columns, but let's rehash.  I hate the slogan "i'm lovin' it" with all of my will to
live.  It is just ignorant in every way.  Oh, the food is mediocre at best.  
There are a few good things on the menu, but most of them you have to
get at breakfast.  The hotcakes and sausage are second to nobody in the
fast food industry.  But their burgers are by far the cheapest, measliest
pieces of crap to ever get doused in mustard and ketchup.  I have to eat 5
and some fries just to start getting a little full.  The Chicken McNuggets are
pretty good, but they are WAY overpriced.  Everybody talks about how
good the fries are.  They are, if you like them soggy and salty.

McDonald's specialty is the Big Mac.  The special sauce on it sucks and the
meat is gross because it has been sitting under a heat lamp for hours.  
Seriously, this CAN'T be the best thing they have to offer. And the limited
time only McRib...possibly the worst thing to ever pass my lips save my
mom's attempt at BBQ meatloaf.

I was a
Burger King kid growing up.  I guess the reason for that is
because McDonald's never would make my burger the way I like it.  I hate
pickles and onions on my burger (I hate veggies), yet McDonald's refused
to make it any other way.  Burger King's "Have it your way" slogan really hit
a homerun for me.  I could get a burger my way and that was a good thing.  
I still remember the BBQ Bullseye burger, a limited time only signature item.
 That was before Bullseye was popular for their BBQ sauce.  The chicken
tenders are okay and the fries are pretty good.  I hear mixed responses to
the newer crispier fries, but I like them.  Now you can get them with spicy
seasoning on them.  Burger King has also really vamped up their selection.
 I stood in front of the cash register for a good five minutes the other day
and I still couldn't make up my mind.  Also, they have the best breakfast.  
The Croissanwiches are the best.  I don't have a problem with the creepy
King commercials either.  Man that guy can play some football.

Wendy's is something that grew on me.  We didn't have too many of them
in Shreveport while I was growing up.  They slowly grew larger in my town
and it eventually became my lunch time "power food" between sessions at
swim meets.  I say this with 100% confidence, they have the best spicy
chicken sandwich of all of the fast food chains.  The problem that I have
with Wendy's is the burgers. They don't make very many variations of the
burgers other than adding a few more slices of beef or some bacon.  So
you are pretty much limited to either a burger, double burger, triple burger,
bacon burger, or a chicken sandwich.  The fries are pretty good, but
nothing special.  I know I am a bit old for this, but the toys in the kid's meals
suck.  McDonald's and Burger King have it going on in that department.  
But they make up for it with the Frosty Dairy dessert.  Dave Thomas,
founder of Wendy's, seemed like a really likeable guy.  I like what he did as
far as charity towards adoption agencies goes.

Jack in the Box holds claim to the best fries for my taste buds.  I love curly
fries, so this is a no brainer.  I'm not counting Arby's in the burger
restaurants category, since they don't make a burger.  But their fries are
pretty much the same.  Jack in the Box has a very good variety and you
can always top it off with two tacos for an extra 99 cents.  The Ciabatta
sandwiches suck, though.  Put some of the old menu items back on and get
rid of that crap!  The commercials are top notch.  I admit it, too...I had a
jack antennae ball on my old 72 VW Beetle.  I was rocking it out in high
school.

Hardee's was one of my favorites, but they seem to have done away with
them in my area.  I think out west, they call it Carl's Jr.  I've eaten at Carl's
Jr, and it just isn't the same.  I want my Frisco sandwich from Hardee's.

A&W seems to be mainly affiliated with KFC.  It is rare in Dallas that an
A&W stands alone.  So I usually get a conglomeration of items from both
chains.  It is pretty much a standard, average hamburger, hotdog, and
french fries.  Other than being able to get a root beer float, the only item
worth going for are the fried cheese curds.  I've never seen any ads for
A&W, so I guess they go off of their root beer reputation and the fact that
people might order some items while they are getting some KFC.

Krystal, mmm.  Who knew miniature burgers could be so good?  For those
of you who say "White Castle is better", you shut the hell up.  You must be
drunk/stoned/out of your mind because White Castle sucks, and so do
Harold and Kumar.  I don't care what you get from Krystal, but get a lot of it.
 I ate the family pack by myself in one sitting.  Not the greatest of ideas, but
I enjoyed it for the time that I was eating it.

Dairy Queen barely made the cut in this list, and it isn't because I don't like
it.  I love DQ, but they are hardly "fast" food.  I cannot remember a time that
I didn't wait 10 minutes for my food.  At least I know it was fresh.  My favorite
sandwich is The Dude. It's not a tribute to The Big Lebowski, it's a huge
chicken fried steak sandwich.  The burgers are extra greasy, but they are
good.  Grease = great taste and eventual heart attack.  I will die very young
because I love DQ burgers, too.  I top that off with a Blizzard, typically
cookie dough, Oreo, or Butterfinger.  It's hard to go to DQ and not get a
Blizzard.  I'll bet Mark Cuban had a few during his tenure at Dairy Queen.

I'm sure I left off some burger chains.  Either I disqualified them as fast food
or as a burger joing, or I just forgot it.  But these are the ones that stick out
in my mind.  Let me know if you agree or disagree.  But remember, this is
my column, so if you disagree...you are wrong.

Until next time...

T-BONE!


How could I forget Whataburger?!?  I eat there like once a week.

Whataburger should be renamed Whatabreakfastburrito.  The burgers
are good, but I don't know of anyone my age who has some late night
munchies and does not think "I wonder if Whataburger has started making
the breakfast burritos yet".  Ok, maybe I do know some people who might
not say it.  But the point is, the breakfast burritos rock.  The rest of the
menu is pretty good.  All in all, the variety isn't very good and the service is
as slow as molasses.  But everything on the limited menu is good, even the
Whatacatch fish sandwich, which I must regretfully eat occasionally during
Lent on Fridays.  
A hamburger (or in the United
Kingdom, a beefburger) is a variant
on a sandwich involving a patty of
ground meat that is almost always
beef. The meat can be grilled, fried,
steamed, or broiled, and is generally
served with various condiments and
toppings inside a bun baked specially
for this purpose. Burgers are often
served with french fries.

A common theory is that the word
"hamburger" originated from
Hamburg, Germany. In Hamburg it
was common to put a piece of roast
pork into a roll, called Rundstück
warm, although this is missing the
"essence" of the modern hamburger,
which is ground meat.

The hamburger as ground meat can
be traced back to the time when the
Mongols (c. 1209) carried flat patties
of lamb or mutton as a food source.
The saddle would tenderize the meat
and the meat would be eaten raw. It
gave the Mongols the ability to carry
food, and eat it all without
dismounting from the horse. When the
Mongols invaded Moscow, the
hamburger was also brought and in
turn was adopted as a cuisine named
"steak tartare" after the invading
Mongols (who were also known as the
Tatars). Later the German port of
Hamburg had ships that visited a
baltic (by that time Russian) port and
thus brought with it the new "tartare
steak" as they would later call it. Ships
from Hamburg, Germany coincidently
shipped to New York also and brought
what is now known as the Hamburg
steak.

In the Middle Ages, Hamburg was an
important center of trade between
Arab and European merchants. The
theory is that Arab traders introduced
Kibbeh, which is ground lamb mixed
with spices, often eaten raw. The
locals then adapted the dish by
replacing the lamb with pork and/or
beef, and more significantly, by
cooking it to make a fillet of ground
meat, i.e., a "Hamburg Steak" or
"Hamburger" as it eventually came to
be known, and from this they made a
new and unique kind of Rundstück
warm that came to be strongly
associated with the city.

There is still a German tradition of
making ground beef sandwiches,
thought to descend from the original
"Hamburg Rundstück," and which
tend to be elongated like an
American sub sandwich, and feature
very different condiments than the
typical modern hamburger. These are
often referred to as "German
hamburgers" outside of Germany, and
are served in many German-food
restaurants.

Within Germany, the specific
connection between the food and the
city of Hamburg became lost as the
sandwich spread throughout the
country and became a somewhat
common dish, while in other countries
the historical term "Hamburger"
remained in popular usage to
describe ground meat rolls and
sandwiches. In modern times, the
term hamburger may refer to the meat
patty used to make the sandwich or to
the sandwich itself.


MORE...